I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
