I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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