Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
