names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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