i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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