i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
