i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
