Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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