Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
