Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
