It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
