I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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