I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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