he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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