I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
