I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
