Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
