I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Your cock deserves a montage
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
