apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
