Is it normal to miss your booty call?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
