if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
