Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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