Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
