he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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