How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
