Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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