the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You are the jesus of drinking
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
