i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
