I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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