don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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