fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
