At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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