I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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