i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
