why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Im part way to drunk.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize