I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
