Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
