Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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