I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
