turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
