How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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