She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
