Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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