What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
