Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
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