You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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