Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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