Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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