Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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