My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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