How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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