I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
