having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Please don't give away my fajitas
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
