Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
