he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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