i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
