checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
