I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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