I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
