i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
