1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
