Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
